Past Pain
by Paradigms
Summary: Joey deals, with some rough moments in her past, Part P/J, deals with partial suicide. I finally got around to chaptering it.. whether I will post the next part, depends on my feelings about the story so far.
1. Prologue

Title: Past Pain 

Author: AJaKe

Distribution: Um just ask

Rating: I'm not sure, but it deals with a serious subject but probably PG-13

Author's Note:

I'm writing this fan-fic as a sort of emotional release. It deals with a 

serious issue. It happened to me. Well not exactly like this. but you get the 

gist of what I experienced. I changed some of Dawson's Creek to set the 

atmosphere of my life as I see it. But not that much. here's what I changed-

Joey's mom announced she had cancer when Joey was 11 and died when she was 12.

Bessie is 17 when Joey is 11.br

Joey's dad is very judgmental.br

Joey's dad is away a lotbr

This story is going to be in the past for most of it. So be prepared. At the 

end of this series, there will be links so you can get help if you need it. = )

Happens sometime in the 3rd season

We pan in on Joey looking into the mirror with tears in her eyes.

"I can't take it anymore." she sobs out with the tears now streaming down her 

face.

"I don't want to go through this again, I need to talk with Pacey, he can 

help me again." We see Joey going out of the bathroom and heading for the 

phone, we fade out to black.

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Why Pacey? What did she mean when she said again? Why is she crying? Stay 

tuned for Pt. 1 of "Past Pain". I want some sort of feedback about this. What 

do you think so far? Tell me . I get bored without feedback C-Ya. I have 5 parts written, but won't post them unless I get feedback....


	2. Chapter 1

Title-"Past Pain"

Author- AJaKe

Rating- PG-13

Authors note- Mostly in the past. Oh and the song "Jumper" by Third Eye Blind 

exists back then. Oh and lets just pretend Bessie is a goody-goody.

Disclaimer- Not a chance in Hell that I own Dawson's Creek Sorry. Though if 

Kevin would be so kind as to give me Pacey, I certainly wouldn't object. REMEMBER, no feedback, so story

We open with a shot of a 11/12-ish looking brunette girl 

walking up the steps to Capeside Middle School. It's the beginning of the 

seventh grade for her. She waits expectantly on the steps checking her watch 

every so often, and tapping her foot; as if she's waiting for someone. She 

believes they're not coming so she turns, fed up, to go up the stone steps. 

All of a sudden in a white and blue blur, another brunette, this time male, 

is seen running up the steps and puts his arm around the startled young 

girl`s shoulders. We learn the pair's names.

"Geez Pacey don't scare me like that, where were you? Do you know how long 

I've been waiting for you guys?" She yells at the currently named, Pacey.

"Sorry overslept, forgive me for being a normal kid who hates school, unlike 

the abnormal ones like you, who like to wake up early, Miss Josephine." he 

retorts.

"IT'S JOEY, OR JO NOT JOSEPHINE, you know how much I hate being called that 

terrible name, do it again and prepare to see my fist in your face, got it?" 

she says in a stern voice.

"Fine, fine, JOEY, seen Dawson yet?"

"No not yet, How was your summer Pace?"

"I slept through most of it so you tell me." He says grinning from ear to 

ear. Joey just rolls her eyes. Without warning a sandy-haired kid comes up to 

them, puts both his arms around them, and heads them in the direction of the 

door to the school. This must be the aforementioned, Dawson.

"Hey guys, I can not wait to tell you about the summer I spent with my aunt 

in Tampa Florida." He informs them.. With one look from Joey looking from 

where his arm was and back to him, made him drop his arms immediately. 

"That's what lunch is for D, all right ya'll it compare and contrastin' time 

get em' out, you know what I'm talkin' about" Pacey says. All three of them 

whip out their schedules.

"All right, lets see, I have Math with Joey. She has Science and English with 

you Pacey, and we all have Gym and TV Productions together. 

"Cool" Dawson tells them.

"Oh hoo-ray, "Joey says sarcastically "I have 4 classes with Pacey" 

"Come on Joey you know you want me" Pacey retorts. Dawson just rolls his eyes 

at their banter. He's used to it by now, he glances at his watch.

"Gotta go to science see you guys at lunch." He manages to get out before he 

dashes around a corner.

"What Daw- ?, she says while turning around, the hallway is nearly empty.

"Damn Pacey We're going to be late," Joey said after looking at her watch." 

Come on move it I DO NOT, want to be late to English on the first day of 

school." she says to Pacey while practically dragging him down the empty 

hallway. As we fade out we can hear Pacey protesting,

"Come on Potter, do we hafta` ?"

**_Later In the Future_**

We see Joey walking up the steps of her house. She glances to the left and 

catches a glimpse of the driveway, there is a old truck there, she freezes 

momentarily, sighs, then opens the door and slowly enters. She tries to creep 

silently up the stairs to her room, her safe haven, but the door closing 

gives her away SLAM. She winces visibly.

"WHO'S THERE?" we hear a male voice yell.

Joeys sighs "It's just me dad, I'm home from school."

"Well tell me how is school so far, you've been going what is it November 

so... three and a half months now? Yeah that's it, so how is it so far?" Mike 

Potter asks his daughter.

"Well, we got progress reports today so take a look." She handed him the 

report, and keeps on talking, 

"I really like my Science class we`re learning a lot, my English class is way 

easy, I'm not doing so well in Math but I'll bring my grade up, it's not 

that hard." Joey tells him.

"A C, you have a C in Math, when Bessie was your age she was pulling all A's, 

and you got a C?" Joey rolled her eyes, she gets this lecture about how 

she's not trying at all and never seems to have any homework, when in 

actuality she does but prefers to do it in her room, instead of at the dining 

room table. Oh and then he compares her to little Miss Perfect Bessie, 

straight A's, National Honor Society, yearbook, editor of the school 

newspaper, basketball team. Mike continues "You're way smarter than Bessie 

you just have to put some effort into it. You should study---" Joey 

interrupts him.

"I do study hard, and I do try my best---"

"I don't believe that Joey, you can do better than this. You're not trying 

your hardest." he tells her.

"Yes I am dad, I am trying my hardest I-I-I--" her eyes well up with tears 

and she swiftly runs up the stairs, goes into her room, and locks the door 

behind her. Throwing her book-bag at the foot of her bed and turning on the 

radio. "Jumper" by Third Eye Blind is on, 

__

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend, 

You could cut ties with all the lies, that you've been living in, 

And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand. 

I would understand, 

She stared at the radio a moment longer than necessary before her face 

crumples and she fell onto her bed crying.

__

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend, 

You could cut ties with all the lies, that you've been living in, 

And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand. 

I would understand, 

__

The angry boy, a bit too insane, 

Icing over a secret pain, 

You know you don't belong, 

You're the first to fight, You're way too loud, 

You're The flash of light, On a burial shroud, 

I know something's wrong, 

Well everyone I know has got a reason, To say, put the past away, 

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend, 

You could cut ties with all the lies, That you've been living in, 

And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand, 

I would understand. 

Well he's on the table, And he's gone to code, 

And I do not think anyone knows, 

What they are doing here, 

And your friends have left, You've been dismissed, 

I never thought it would come to this, And I, I want you to know, 

Everyone's got to face down the demons, 

Maybe today, We can put the past away, 

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend, 

You could cut ties with all the lies, that you've been living in, 

And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand, 

I would understand, 

I would understand... 

Can you put the past away, I wish you would step back from that ledge my 

friend, 

I would understand... 


	3. Chapter 2

Title: "Past Pain" (2/?)

Author: AJaKe

Distribution: Umm just ask but it is at Chesky's, and someone else asked for it but I forgot their site name so if they would tell me again I'll put their site name up here in the next part.

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: I don't own Dawson's Creek, The God that is Kevin does. I'm not making any money off of this, all I'm getting is the satisfaction of feedback, which reminds me I only got like 2 feedback letters from the previous parts, come on people...

Author's Note: Much thanks goes to my Beta Evie, The two people who sent me feedback :: Stern glare to those of you not sending me feedback:: While we're on the topic.... Feedback would be greatly appreciated, I already have a low self-esteem, I don't think it can get any lower, and I don't want to find out if it can. With that said, may the fan-fic begin......

Joey walked up the steps to her small house. In a whirlwind of motion her father came out the door knocked into Joey, got in his truck and sped away down the road. Joey sat there on the snow covered ground bewildered before coming to her senses and getting up before her jeans got wet. _What the heck happened in there, _she thought to herself. She was almost afraid to find out. But overcoming her sudden trepidation she headed, one again, up the steps. She opened the door slowly, she could hear the crying coming from the kitchen. She went in to see her mother, head down on the table, crying.

"Mom?" she asked her, voice faltering.

Lillian Potter looked up with red rimmed eyes, and tear stained cheeks, to see her daughter standing next to her with concern clearly visible on her face. 

"Sit down Joey I have something to tell you." Joey sat down wondering what could possibly be wrong. Lillian took a big breath before continuing,

"There's going to be a lot of changes coming in the months ahead Joey. I'll be really sick and my hair might fall out, I'll be really weak and will need some help doing things. I'll be in hospitals a lot." Joey looked up with tears in her eyes.

"What's happening Mom?" Lillian took a short breath before telling her the WHOLE truth.

"I have cancer Joey." Joey knew what that meant she heard it on the news a lot and sometimes in health class. She also knew that her mother was trying hard not to break down crying in front of her. She took her mother in her arms and began trying to comfort her. Lillian just let the tears flow.

"It'll be okay mom, It'll be okay." she managed to get out before her own tears overcame her too.

Joey walked quietly through the halls of Capeside Middle School not really knowing where she was going, not hearing, the children's laughter, lockers slamming shut, doors slamming, nor did she hear the late bell ringing. She was still just walking slowly down the main hallway, head down hair blocking her face from view of anyone. Still walking, walking some where ,but not really knowing where.

Pacey walked through the front door of CMS. He was already late would it matter that much if he was 5 minutes later that that? He thought not. He almost walked straight into Joey. _Joey late? Never.... _He stood there shell-shocked for a moment before catching up with Joey.

" Hey, Josephine..." he waited, and waited, where was her comeback? She never let him call her that without some sort of pain coming after it.

" Joey?" a hint of concern in his voice. She never heard him. She was too busy dealing with the multitude of thought overwhelming her mind. Pacey was really worried, why wasn't she answering? He stepped in front of her grabbing her shoulders, took one hand a carefully lifted up her chin so she would look at him. What he saw shocked him. Her mouth was pulled down into a frown. Her cheeks were red and tearstained, but that wasn't what stunned him, what had shocked him what he saw in her eyes. They were red and puffy, still pushing tears forth, they were blank, but he could still see the very present grief and desolation in them. _WHAT HAD HAPPENED???_

" Joey?" he asked again, this time all of his worry and concern present in his voice. He saw what he was hoping to get, recognition filled her eyes.

" Pacey wha-?" He hugged her happy to see that she had returned to the living. When he released her she stood there for a few seconds before getting her bearings straight. She looked around. Where were the other kids? She looked at her watch. 

" Oh man, I'm late," tears filling her eyes again. She hadn't want to go to school today, but her mother had insisted. She DID NOT want to the other kids to see her this way.

" Joey what happened to you?" he asked, seeing her eyes. She looked at him a moment before throwing herself into his arms, hugging him, and started crying. Pacey stood there for a moment, perplexed, before returning the hug .

"Joey what happened?", he whispered to her.

" My mom s-she told me she had ca-cancer." she managed out in-between sobs.

" Oh Joey...." he said hugging her more fiercely. He always did like Mrs. Potter she was always a lot nicer to him than his own mother was. He liked going over there, even though Bessie was a bit of a snot.

"It'll be okay Joey," his own tears threatening to come out. His eyes suddenly lit up a bit and a small smile formed.

****

Backstreet Boys "The One"

__

I'll be the one... 

I guess you were lost when I met you

Still there were tears in your eyes

So out of trust and I knew

No more than mysteries and lies 

"Come on Potter lets take a day off, I want to see no tears on you lovely face, alright?" Pacey wondered if she would take him up on his offer, she'd usually rather die than miss school. Despite the situation Joey did manage to smile a bit. While normally the prospect of spending the day with Pacey was revolting. But, right now, it was looking like a great idea.

There you were, wild and free

Reachin' out like you needed me

A helping hand to make it right

I am holding you all through out the night 

Chorus: 

I'll be the one (I'll be the one) 

Who will make all your sorrows undone

I'll be the light (I'll be the light) 

When you feel like there's nowhere to run

I'll be the one... 

To hold you and make sure that you'll be alright

'Cause my faith is gone

And I want to take you from darkness to light 

"We can have some," he paused for effect, "fun." he said wiggling his eyes suggestively. Joey decided to ignore THAT comment. 

"All right Pacey" his eyes shot up.

"NOT THAT PACEY," she hastily amended. " Perv-" she muttered under her breathe. Pacey heard it.

"I may be a perv Joey, but I'm your perv for the day" Joey just rolled here eyes.

"Come on jailbait, lets get out of here before a teacher sees us," she says in a commanding voice, taking his arm and leading him outside.

"Yes Mistress..." The door swings shut. SMACK

"Damn Potter do you have to hit so hard, it was just a joke, a joke Joey." SMACK

There you were, wild and free

Reachin' out like you needed me

A helping hand to make it right

I am holding you all through the night 

Chorus 

To hold you, and make sure that you'll be alright 

You need me like I need you

We can share our dreams comin' true

I can show you what true love means

Just take me hand, baby please... 

I'll be the one

I'll be the light

Where you can run

To make it alright

I'll be the one

I'll be the light

Where you can run 

Chorus 

I'll be the one

I'll be the light

Where you can run

To make it alright

I'll be the one

I'll be the light

Where you can run

To make it alright

I'll be the one 

To hold you, and make sure that you'll be alright

I'll be the one......................

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	4. Chapter 3

Author: AJaKe  
Rating: Kid-friendly = )  
Part: (3/?)  
Distribution: my website http://www.angelfire.com/mt/dawsonscreekpge other than that, just ask.....  
Disclaimer: I don't own Dawson's Creek, or, ::Sigh:: Pacey, although if Kevin really didn't want him, I could surely take him. WB owns all. ::Mumbles, 'Damn WB they always get the good stuff' under her breath:: I have no money, no life either, but that's not any of your concern.  
Authors note: Much thanks goes to those who gave me feedback, I was thinking of abandoning this FIC until I got the feedback. Also much thanks must go to my groovy beta, Evie.

After sufficiently slapping Pacey they managed to make it off the school grounds with out anyone noticing they had even showed up. I'm going to get hell from my father for skipping, but you know what, right now I could care less, As a matter of fact 'Fuck him' Joey thought to herself with an grin on her face. She was determined to have a great time today.  
"Hey Joey so what do you want to do on our all-smiles day?" Pacey asked her.  
"I dunno, beach maybe?" she replied, Pacey thought it over a minute before getting a big grin on his face. "Well, the carnival is in town want to go there?" Joey thought it over for a few minutes and then replied, "That sounds a lot better than the beach lets go, where is it?"   
"It's at that huge empty lot on Palm Avenue."  
"Cool, that's about 3 blocks from here, lets get going." She said grabbing Pacey's arm and leading him down the street, grinning madly.

**__**

AT THE CARNIVAL 

"So Joey now that we are here what do you want to do first?" he asked while putting the wristband they had bought on.  
"How about......... bumper cars?"  
"Sounds like a plan," he said walking towards the bumper cars. They both were trying to hit each other as many times a was possible in the 15 minutes they had. They played 'Grab The Hat'* with some other kids that were skipping that day also. At the end of the ride, Joey was the winner, she had the hat. They walked off the exit ramp and handed the owner of the cap, back his hat. Then walked off both laughing heartily. 

Both were having one of the best days ever so far. They walked the midway, played the games. Pacey stopped at the 'Knock Down The Milk Bottles' booth, and after 7 tries managed to knock down all the milk bottles, he let Joey choose the prize, she picked a stuffed Scooby Doo^. She had thanked him profusely, but he just shrugged and blushed slightly.

They rode more rides, got a bit nauseous on the Tilt-A-Whirl, and had as much junk food as they could stomach. It was 6:10 and they had 20 minutes before they had to be at Dawson's house for their Friday night sleepover, they had to leave then if they didn't want Dawson to worry. Joey wanted to leave then but Pacey insisted on one more ride, the Ferris wheel. They waited in line for a few minutes before it was their turn to get on. 

"Stop at the top please," Pacey whispered to the ride conductor. The conductor gave a slight grin before nodding, and looking knowingly at them. Pacey again blushed slightly.

Joey, noticed none of this. They got into the car, and rode in silence till they got to the top and the ride stopped. Pacey looked at Joey.

"So, Joey have a good time today?" he asked. Joey turned to him with tears in her eyes.  
"Joey is something wrong?" he asked concerned, had he said or did the wrong thing?  
"No ,everything is perfect Pacey," she whispered, her voice slightly husky with emotion. "I had the most wonderful day today, and I don't know how to thank you for being there for me today."  
"Joey we're friends, you should know by now that while, I may act like a jerk sometimes, I'll always be there if you need me," he said with a small smile. 

"Thank you Pacey," she said before turning in her seat and hugged him fiercely. He put his arms around her and they looked out over the horizon. It was a mass of colors, yellow, orange, and purple, all melding perfectly together to make the most breathtaking scene Joey had ever witnessed. Pacey had seen something more stunning than the horizon, but he'd keep that to himself for a while. 

He looked down at her head that was resting on his shoulder, and smiled before nestling his chin on the top her head, and looked at the horizon, he sighed deeply, inhaling the mixture of Vanilla, Soap, and a scent distinctly Joey's, he had a content look on his face, but not everything can last forever. The ride started moving again and the sunset slowly disappeared behind one of the ride cars. The comforting moment broken, Joey took her head off his shoulder and he removed his arms from around her. They got off. Pacey thanked the conductor heavily before going down the ramp. Joey took his arm and linked it through hers, rested her head on his shoulder and they walked out the of the carnival, heading in the direction of Dawson's house. 

Today had been a great day but it had to end sooner or later, he never wanted to see her this down ever again. But not even he could keep that from happening, and he also, had no way of knowing that in a few short months she would take him up of that declaration he made a few minutes ago.


	5. Chapter 4

Title: "Past Pain"

Author: AJaKe

Distribution: True Love Til' The End(http://www.angelfire.com/mt/dawsonscreekgpe), other than that... just ask.

Disclaimer: I don't own Da- ::A horned figure emerges from my now dead body, ::" I AM THE DEVIL, I OWN ALL.... BOW BEFORE ME YOU LOWLY MORTALS....... MWAHAHAHAHAHA....."

Authors Note: Um this is kinda going off the 'my life' track, because my mother is nowhere near this nice, nor does she love me. sorry, I have issues.......

Joey looked at the rain droplets make their way down the window pane. The months had seemed to just fly by, well, she had been busy, so she hadn't noticed the time flying. They had had papers to sign, preparations to make, and letters to write. Her mother had passed away from cancer. It had been 2 weeks after her 12th birthday.

"Hey mom" Joey greeted her mom that night before going to bed. 

"Hey sweetheart" Lillian looked at her daughter, she knew her time was coming soon and was glad to have the chance to talk to her favorite daughter before passing away.

"How have you been feeling lately? " Joey asked her mother warily.

"I- I- don't think I'm going to make it Joey." she replied with tears in her eyes .

"Mom don't say that, you're going to live, you are.." Joey said trying to convince her mother of that too.

"Joey, I'm going to be gone soon and just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you. That I love you, and that no matter what any person says, you are never lesser than them." she said smiling although tears were streaming down her face.

"Mom don't say that, you're gonna' live." Joey pleaded with her mother, her own tears pushing their way forth.

"Joey, I'm glad that you have as good as friends as Pacey and Dawson to help you through the aftermath of what's going to happen. I love you Joey." She said as she started to lean back against the pillow on her bed.

"Mom, mom no, wake up mom.... WAKE UP." Joey hugged her mother as her cries reached her sister. Bessie came running in.

"What happened?" she looked at her mother. " Did she- is she?" Bessie had to hold her own cries back by covering her mouth with the palm of her hand. She ran out of the room, leaving a screaming Joey clutching at her lost mother.

"MOM NO... COME BACK MOM, NOOOOOOOO." Her cries wailed through the house. They practically had the use a crowbar to get Joey away from her mother long enough to put her in the ambulance, and drive her away. But no one went to comfort the crying girl who was sitting on the house steps, that was until a brown-haired kid came running up the drive....

"Joey??" He cried out franticly, pushing his way past the paramedics. "Joey?" He spotted her and ran over to her and pulled her into a comforting hug. He proceeded to tell her comforting words..

"It'll be okay Joey, you'll see, Joey It'll be okay..." his voice softened immensely while he continued to comfort her. He had his own tears in his eyes. Joey replied so softly, Pacey almost missed it. 

"Thank you Pacey, thank you..." her voice trailed off as sobs overtook her once again. He rocked her back and forth. It would've made anyone cry, seeing the tenderness and care Pacey had shown to Joey, but no one had really paid attention to the crying young girl and the brown-haired boy.

Joey smiled slightly remembering that scene. When she had asked Pacey how he had known about her mother's death so quickly, he told her that he had heard it on his father's police radio, and had run over as quickly as possible. _He can be so sweet and caring sometimes..._she thought , _But then again, he can also be super annoying too_. After that Dawson had spent a lot of time with her, almost monopolizing her time trying to comfort her.... While it did help a bit, sometimes she just wanted to be alone.... She had hardly ever seen Pacey, sometimes at lunch or passing him in the hallways. She was sad that she had not talked to him as much, considering what he had done for her that first day. _Well maybe we'll see each other this summer, I mean Dawson is going to Florida again this summer. _

The door slammed shut, Joey winced, that could mean only one thing....Daddy's home... she sighed and rolled her eyes upward. _What I wouldn't give....._she thought, then chuckled lightly. _Well, better get up and face the firing squad, gee I wonder what it will be this time, hmm.. the grades lecture or the room lecture... oh how about one I haven't heard in a while, the be nice to your sister lecture..._She got up and went downstairs.

"Hey dad." she said walking up from behind him.

"Ahhhhh, don't sneak up on my like that, I could've hit you." Joey had to stifle a laugh, _like that would've stopped you._

"Sorry." she said, not really sorry at all. Her father just looked at her, then went over to the cookie jar, pulled out some money and a plastic bag of something Joey couldn't identify, and turned around.

"I'll be back in 2 days, try no to destroy the house." He said as he left Joey standing there.

But he wouldn't be returning in two days, he wouldn't be returning at all........

*^~*^~*^~*^~*^~*^~*^~*^~*^~*^~*^~*^~*^~*^~*^~*^~*^~*^~*^~*^~*^~*^~*^~*^~*^~*

What should happen, an exciting plot twist or should I just let him get caught by the police? FEEDBACK, MUST HAVE FEEDBACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not sure about suicide anymore, I'd like to thank EVERYONE who replied.. now I'm thinking of a major plot twist, like going into some fantasy thing, with a crossover in Harry Potter, don't ask, the last names thing is just too much of a pull for me, but while doing that... I would continue on the serious route it's on right now, so what should I do, split, or stay on one track????


End file.
